Do We Expect Too Much From Romantic Relationships

Do we expect too much from our relationships? Can we possibly live up to our own expectations? Can our partners hope to live up to them either? Even a short browse on any one of the most popular and successful internet dating sites reveals a treasure trove of data! Here we see example after example of relationship expectations, articulated in something like abullet point presentation, not unlike a recipe book! You can specify your desires for height, marital status, hobbies, age - even hair colour.

Its not that long ago that the norm for many was to meet your first real boyfriend at 18, marry him if possible by 20, and then live the rest of your life with him. That was certainly the case for my parents generation. Now we look for chemistry but with friendship, ambition but with family orientation, great body but great personality too, a great conversationalist as well as being a good and patient listener, and to top it all off, versatility in bed, but without being egocentric!

Its actually surprising that we havent collectively developed multiple personality disorders under the weight and pressure of all these contradictory expectations.

The irony is that in a society where relationships are breaking down more than even, we seem to have developed even higher expectations of them. Then again, maybe thats the reason theyre breaking down. Maybe the pressure to fulfill the needs of our relationships has become so great that relationships feel more like fulfilling a job description rather than an opportunity to show our true selves, with all the pit falls and mistakes that come along with the territory.

You may say to yourself,I think Im pretty realistic about relationships - Im OK with imperfections. But it is not so much a search for perfection that we have become bound by - its a search for a relationship without risk. At an intuitive level, what strikes me about what I hear in readings about dating is that so many people, having been hurt and disappointed in relationships previously, are no longer willing to take a risk. In this sense, expectations are the first line of defense - a way to protect ourselves from the unpredictability and uncertainty of love and emotional vulnerability. We want assurances, commitments, guarantees. We want to see some kind of proof, up front. We want the thrill of spontaneity and chemistry, but want the security of certainty and predictability. We have created an impossible task for ourselves and others to fulfill.

It would seem to me that when we begin to really let go of expectations, we begin to actually relate to people rather than relate to our projected hopes and fears. We let down our defences and start to see people as they really are, rather than how we want to see them. Its then that real closeness emerges and real trust can develop.

Origin: quick-pickup-rules.blogspot.com