Shine

I remember when the relationship with the BPD began, she told me about this song that she loved called Shine, a song that's absolutely beautiful, but is about a relationship ending. Looking back, it was foreshadowing for the relationship itself:

I can see it in your eyes

what I know in my heart is true

that our love it has faded

like the summer run through

and we'll walk down the shoreline

one last time together

feel the wind blow our wanderin' hearts

like a feather

but who knows what's waiting

in the wings of time

dry your eyes

we're gonna go where we can shine

Don't be hiding in sorrow

or clinging to the past

with your beauty so precious

and the season so fast

and hey, no matter how cold the horizon appears

or how far the first night

when I held you near

we're gonna rise from these ashes

like a bird aflame

take my hand

we're gonna go where we can shine

(na na na na na na na na, shine)

And for all that we struggle

for all we pretend

you know, you know, you know it don't come down to nothing

except love in the end

and ours is a road

that is strewn with goodbyes

but as it unfolds

as it all unwinds

remember your soul is the one thing

you can't compromise

step out of the shadow

we're gonna go where we can shine

we're gonna go where we can shine

we're gonna go where we can shine

(and look, and look)

Through the windows of midnight

moonfoam and silver

- David Gray

The funny thing is that I am going to go where I can shine now. Before the relationship with the BPD, something was missing in me. I thought that the BPD was missing, but what was missing is in me. It was that self-acceptance, that contentment, that the BPD sniffed out and hammered me about. I have been in the fire, and I have emerged as steel. No longer 'soft' a solid character with confidence in myself. What a good feeling.

I wrote about this in an early blog, years ago: http://www.dennissuler.com/mt/mt-tb.cgi/26

Even looking back at that blog, I was so politically correct, so 'not' me. Time changes you, your attitudes and what's important. It's nice to be me again.

This song told me many things about this woman that I chose not to listen:

- She was emotionally unavailable. There are plenty of emotionally unavailable women out there, so I'll post more about this in the future.

- She had a fatalistic attitude and would not see herself in a relationship long-term. In her mind, the relationship was ending before it began

- She has so much self-loathing that she's just foreshadowing.

If I only knew those things in the beginning, I would not have gotten involved. However, like I wrote earlier, the BPD actually helped me learn quite a bit about myself and helped me ultimately work through those issues in an indirect way. I thank her for that. I'm now the man that I want to be (I've written this before also, but I'm really feeling it) and about to step into my place in the world.

The funny thing is that although I would thank the BPD for helping me become this person, I could never have done it with her. She was too insecure and controlling to let me be my true self, exposing my soul to the world.

Everything happens for a reason, and now I'm going to go where I can shine. I hope she gets there someday.