Collage037

Collage 037 H u m o u r N e t 1995Hello, again, HumourNetters.... it's Collage 37, and it's adoozie. A big "thanks" to the nice folks from SpaceNet--thisentire Collage is a collection of recent SpaceNet mailings.Enjoy!- Vince Sabio HumourNet Moderator HumourNet@telephonet."Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message": All About SpamThe name "Spam" came from a contest run by the George A. Hormelcompany, when they discovered the secret of eternal shelf life in1937. The winning name was a contraction of "spiced ham" (which isodd since there aren't any spices in it, anyway). Spam is a jokefood, but someone out there is eating it. Over 100 million cans ofit are created each year. That means that at each second, 3 cans ofSpam are being opened.Ingredients: Chopped pork shoulder meat with ham meat added and salt,water, sugar, sodium nitrate. There isn't really much scary meat init, such as the stories about pig snouts and such, even though meatused for canning contains adjacent fat and connective tissues thatneed not be described on the label, however. Presence of tendons incanned meat is considered permissible if the amount is under 10% incontents; the reason being that finely ground tendons are believedto be digestible in the presence of other proteins. For every 100pounds of this meat, you need about 3 1/2 pounds of salt, a pound ofsugar, and about an ounce of sodium nitrate. Nitrate is what givesSpam it's eerie pink--without it, Spam would fade to a drabmeat-loaf gray.The consistency of Spam is not quite fleshlike, being too rubberyfor that, and is constructed on the principle of concrete. Coarsechunks of meat are held together by a pate of finely ground meat.Approximately 3/4 of the meat is ground coarsely (through athree-eighths-inch plate of the grinder), the remaining quarterfinely (one-eighth-inch plate). Grinding, mixing and curing must bedone in a chilled factory (34 degrees Fahrenheit) to minimizebacterial growth. Mix the 2 grades of meat with the salt, sugar,and sodium nitrate in a vacuum mixer set to a 27-inch vacuum, for 5minutes. Release vacuum and let the mixture cure overnight,maintaining refrigeration. The next day, mix in the vacuum mixerfor about 10 minutes again. The chilled meat is then ready forcanning.Though the canning plant doesn't have to be refrigerated, the meatmust not warm more than a few degrees (to no more than 40 degreesFahrenheit) in transit. Spray the inner surfaces of the cans withoil for easy removal, then pack with meat mixtuer and seal under a27-inch vacuum. Spam is still raw when canned. Cooking andsterilization take place in the sealed can. The time required tosterilize depends on the size and shape of the can. The classic 37/8" x 3 1/4" x 2 1/8" oblong can takes about 70 minutes in an ovenset to 230 degrees Fahrenheit. The can's sturdy design and theinternal vacuum prevent explosion.After that, it's shipped off for you to eat. You don't even have toheat it. The sterilization kills any trichinosis organisms. Spamis the pork to have when you're having it tepid.Spam age: Hormel's dating code is a 5-digit number on the bottom ofthe can, something like F04173, where F encodes the processingplant. The first 2 digits represent the month (04 for April), thenext two are the day (17 is the 17th), and the last is the year (3means it's 1993 unless it's a really old can). There is a record ofcanned meat (not Spam, obviously) remaining edible for 114 years.However, a Hormel brochure suggests using all canned foods within 2years. Says Hormel, "It is important to keep in mind that all foodsare substances which are derived from living matter. All livingthings have life spans that are characteristic of the species." EvenSpam.-- kind of taken from Biggest Secrets, by William Poundstone
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Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl'sjunior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you pleasename the organ of the human body, which under the appropriateconditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define theconditions."Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don'tthink that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parentswill hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the samequestion.Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dimlight."Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have threethings to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two,you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with adreadful disappointment.
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The following is from the business section of The Kansas City Star,Jan 17, 1995:"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." - Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." - Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talkedwith the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is afad that won't last out the year." - The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957"But what... is it good for?" - Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip."There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." - Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
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SUBJ: Deep Thoughtsby Jack HandeyDad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess iswhy several of us died of tuberculosis.It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh atthat man.I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crashis they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crashstuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like he just woke up andgo, "What was THAT?!"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of theface.I'd rather be rich than stupid.If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger,screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. BraveMan, I guess I'm a coward.When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask isif they ever press charges.To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, nochoreography, and the dancers hit each other.We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoffat them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sortof striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I'vewondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time Iwent to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which havebeen painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws,can make a child look like a deer.You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown whomakes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severediarrhea.Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick tocalm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring thedoorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you knowwhat I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck inthe side of its head with a note that says "You." After that Iusually feel a lot better, and no harm done.If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is tokeep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, webuild to that.Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch ontosomeone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I haveto laugh, because what is that thing?If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tellhim is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, anothercute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Martasaid it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she shouldwrite in her suggestion to the highway department, but she startedsaying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I waslazy!One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going totake my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to anold burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burneddown." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought itwas a pretty good joke.If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would youthink liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'dbe wrong, though. It's Hambone.Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that'swhat her dinner tasted like.We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. Butwe wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with somewhore he picked up in town.If you're a young Mafia gangster out on a first date, I bet it'sreal embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my firstinstinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, andshe fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and youfriends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be topretend you were swimming.
Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
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