Heading Off the Four Major Steps to Divorce
article by Rex Sexton
Marriage is in a sad state in the Western world.
Marriage is in a sad state in the Western world. Divorce rates skyrocketed from barely 2 percent of marriages in 1900 to nearly 50 percent by the year 1990. In more recent years these rates have leveled off, not because larger numbers of people are successful in marriage, but because so many couples today simply "cohabit"-bypassing the commitment of marriage.
What are the primary reasons the initial joy, passion and commitment of marriage evaporate? What leads couples who have vowed dedication to each other to abandon their marriage relationship?
The four most common steps in a marriage's progression to divorce are:
1. Breakdown of communication.
2. Buildup of resentments.
3. Open conflict, laced with harmful behaviors.
4. Final separation.
For years marriage counselors concentrated almost entirely on step number 3. My early training in this field was in how to "create peace" by teaching self-control and awareness. In my naivet'e I thought what I was doing would solve the problem. I learned later that most couples reverted back to their old habits. What they really needed was assistance in dealing with the root cause of their problems, not just the symptoms.
Couples normally seek help from ministers and professional counselors only when they are well into the final stage of alienation-with their marriage at the breaking point. In most cases, by the time a couple seeks assistance to save their marriage, they are already doing too many harmful things to each other-either with words or deeds. Salvaging the relationship at this point is always difficult. But, in my experience, it can be achieved if both husband and wife are willing to learn how to communicate with each other appropriately.
In recent years counseling professionals have recognized the importance of teaching communication skills to couples in trouble. Ceasing harmful behaviors toward each other is always important, but unless a couple learns how to communicate in a healthy, beneficial and regular manner, the pause in marital warfare will only be temporary.
These four destructive steps also apply to other relationships: children, employers, employees and, believe it or not, even in our relationship with our Creator. To have a meaningful relationship with God we need to stay in contact with Him through prayer and personal Bible study. The Scriptures tell us, "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you" (James 4:8Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded.
See All...).
A good marriage is nourished by lots of regular and positive communication. However, the very nature of our present society seems to keep us from learning how to really communicate or to even make time to communicate. We live very busy lives. We work and hurry constantly but never seem to have enough time for each other.
Relaxation time is often spent watching televised entertainment. Television may do more harm than good to relationships because it is an easy escape from reality.
Also, we are often tethered to gadgets such as computers and cell phones, even when we are at home. Rush, hurry, focus, get it done! If these words describe your daily routine, then perhaps, in your marriage, you are well into step number 1 and are not even aware of it.
The best insurance we have for marriage is learning how to communicate with each other in a respectful and loving manner. We then need to make sure we always do it. The Bible admonishes us to love and respect one another: "Each of you, however, should love his wife as himself, and a wife should respect her husband" (Ephesians 5:33Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
See All..., NRSV). Love and respect cannot be built or maintained in a marriage unless there is regular and consistent give and take of feelings, ideas, shared goals, needs and observations.
Marriage can and should be a mutual admiration relationship. Make it a habit to spend time alone together. Ideally, at the end of each day it is good to make time to relax together and communicate. Yes, you may miss a day or two occasionally but work at keeping those interruptions of your private communication time to a bare minimum.
So what I'm saying is this: Do whatever it takes to guarantee that you have a regular time and place to communicate with your spouse! Don't just hope that it will happen-make sure it does. The key to avoiding the four steps that end in divorce is to never let step number 1 rear its ugly head. Learn how to communicate with your mate regularly and effectively. UN
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